Dear Yahoo - an open letter
Dear Yahoo.com,
After years of devoted use of your free web-based email system I am saddened to write that I am terminating our relationship. It pains me to think of all the hours you spent discovering the cheapest and most effective medications for my potential physical and mental ailments, the personal nature of which I am embarrassed to disclose. It's like you knew me better than I knew myself! I was never aware that I was making ill-informed investments. I was in a fantasy land when it came to my sexual prowess and the size of my male member! And my mortgage - what can I say but what a fool I was to have not "locked-in" the lowest fluctuating rate mortgage in my state. I shed a tear as I recall the first few emails I received from your esteemed representative, "Carmalita", each with subject lines like "Poppy webcam live web flirt cam yarn". Regrettably, I can no longer dedicate the time necessary to decipher Carmalita's cleverly coded subject lines - not to mention that I dare not open such emails since I have no acquaintances named Carmalita.
But I am rambling. In short, thanks to you, Yahoo.com, I have become aware of my many shortcomings. Thanks to your persistent and overwhelming number of informative and supportive email messages, unfailingly delivered to my yahoo inbox every half hour, I have come to terms with the fact that I am and forever will be a man possessing a small penis that is incapable of satisfying a woman; a man under the influence of expensive and ineffectual pharmaceuticals; a man blindly plodding his way through life without an internet degree all along being ripped-off in my mortgage and short-changed in my investments.
Please do not try to get me to stay with you. Your promises of a more sophisticated and advice-free email service are nice but not for me. I know that your "Premium" for-pay service must be first-class, but the magic is gone. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve come to terms with who I am and just need to move on with my life. In fact, I’m using another web email service now – Gmail. Gmail understands me and accepts me for who I am. I’m sorry, Yahoo, but it must be this way - it's over. Good luck with your premium service. Tell Carmalita that I wish her luck with whatever it is that she’s trying to communicate.
-keith
After years of devoted use of your free web-based email system I am saddened to write that I am terminating our relationship. It pains me to think of all the hours you spent discovering the cheapest and most effective medications for my potential physical and mental ailments, the personal nature of which I am embarrassed to disclose. It's like you knew me better than I knew myself! I was never aware that I was making ill-informed investments. I was in a fantasy land when it came to my sexual prowess and the size of my male member! And my mortgage - what can I say but what a fool I was to have not "locked-in" the lowest fluctuating rate mortgage in my state. I shed a tear as I recall the first few emails I received from your esteemed representative, "Carmalita", each with subject lines like "Poppy webcam live web flirt cam yarn". Regrettably, I can no longer dedicate the time necessary to decipher Carmalita's cleverly coded subject lines - not to mention that I dare not open such emails since I have no acquaintances named Carmalita.
But I am rambling. In short, thanks to you, Yahoo.com, I have become aware of my many shortcomings. Thanks to your persistent and overwhelming number of informative and supportive email messages, unfailingly delivered to my yahoo inbox every half hour, I have come to terms with the fact that I am and forever will be a man possessing a small penis that is incapable of satisfying a woman; a man under the influence of expensive and ineffectual pharmaceuticals; a man blindly plodding his way through life without an internet degree all along being ripped-off in my mortgage and short-changed in my investments.
Please do not try to get me to stay with you. Your promises of a more sophisticated and advice-free email service are nice but not for me. I know that your "Premium" for-pay service must be first-class, but the magic is gone. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve come to terms with who I am and just need to move on with my life. In fact, I’m using another web email service now – Gmail. Gmail understands me and accepts me for who I am. I’m sorry, Yahoo, but it must be this way - it's over. Good luck with your premium service. Tell Carmalita that I wish her luck with whatever it is that she’s trying to communicate.
-keith
posted by sophisticated primate at
8:55 AM
2 Comments:
o.k., the letter is hilarious. Did you actually send it? I hope g-mail helps with the low self-esteem issues brought on by your poor relationship with yahoo. You can recapture the magic.
MS
Regrettably, I was unable to contact Yahoo directly. As for magic, gmail and I have a more mature relationship - i don't criticize gmail and gmail doesn't try to "help" me with unsolicited advice. Although, it would be nice if someone would pass along some information on gas pains.
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